The Baby Bulldozer

As my girlfriend and I squeezed past 250 of Hollywood's Slowest People this weekend at the Grove, I remarked, "SUV's aren't enough anymore. Now they have to have SUV's for their babies."

It's horrifyingly true. No longer limited to the look-at-my-big-rock newly married sandal-wearing white yuppie couple, the giant navy blue Baby Shopping Cart phenomenon now crosses racial and economic borders. Armenians, Persians, Hispanics, Asians, Blacks, all of them with baby carriers wider than the escalator and taller than their oldest child.

Clogging up the paths of shoppers everywhere, these plastic monstrosities often contain piles of shopping bags, purses, grocery bags, extra sandals, sunscreen, diapers, and no baby whatsoever.

The Baby Bulldozer is a total nuisance. There's no way around it, over it, or through it, and the oncoming parent inevitably steers it directly toward your feet.

Fuck that shit.
I told my girlfriend if I have a baby I'm carrying it in a backpack.
I'll stay the fuck out of everybody's way if they stay out of mine.

You. With the overflowing pillow-top hooded navy blue segway-wheeled double-decker 4-foot-wide plastic Baby Escalade. Why don't you just carry your baby in your huge giant purse instead of putting purse and baby inside that obese excuse for a stroller? Or why don't you just stay home?