I am tired of ASKING. "Are you in line?"

Okay, people. We've been doing this since we were four years old.
It's time to learn HOW to STAND in line.
Nobody likes to stand in line. I'm not asking you to like it. Just do it.

Please. If there are people in line when you arrive, please take a moment to notice what direction the line is pointing in.
Now stand behind the last person in line. No, no, no, wait. Not over there. Come back over here. Thaaat's right.
You want to position yourself so that the person in front of you is between you and the person in front of them.

See? Now you're in a line. You're not standing three feet away and off to one side.
No one needs to ask you if you're in line. You are a living breathing part of the line. Isn't that better?

Okay now wait a moment. I can see you're excited about finally being a part of the line. But hey - not so close!
The person in front of you doesn't need to feel the twin blasts of breath from your nostrils on the back of their neck.
They also do not need to feel the cold metallic kiss of the buckle on your purse or belt. Back off a little bit.

Hey, not so far! You only need to back off a little. Now there's room for one or two more people in front of you.
Everyone will ask you if you're in line or not! Don't you want to be a part of the line?
Step forward, so that you are 12 to 18 inches from the person in front of you.
And here's the key - when the person in front of you steps forward - you step forward, too.

Who are these morons that leave all the space in the line? Scoot up!
Please don't make me ask if you're in line or not. Just get in the fucking line. Please.

The RIAA and Illegal Downloading

Every day on the news, the RIAA is going ape shit over file-sharing services ruining their business. People can download music for free, says the RIAA, and those are people who aren't buying cd's in the store.
I'd like to point out that the Public Library System has been in place forever. Anyone who wants to read the latest bestseller can get it for free at the library, where it is then passed on to another reader. There's two readers that didn't buy the book. And I don't hear the publishing industry raising hell over it.
People still buy books, and publishers still get paid.
Writers don't drive Bentleys upholstered with Burberry fabric. I didn't see Chuck Palahniuk on MTV Cribs. Recording artists are paid exorbitant sums.
How dare the RIAA even imply that file sharing is taking food out of anyone's mouth! It's so stupid and transparent, it's making my head hurt.

To the tiny woman in the Cadillac Escalade who nearly ran me onto the shoulder this morning.

Excuse me. This is a merging lane and I'm attempting to merge onto the freeway now. It's clearly my turn. I'm not sure why you keep scooting up. Where do you expect me to go? It's supposed to be like a zipper, lady. One car from your lane, then one car from mine. We merge and then we go about our business. Zzzz-zip. Hey, what are you doing? Please stop inching forward. Hey. Hey. Okay, please listen to my horn now for the next fifteen seconds. You like that? I'd like to now direct your attention to my hoisted middle finger. Yes, that's right, apply your brakes now. Oh, you can see me now! I understand. You forget to look down here sometimes. And now I can see you. Hair-do, knuckles and steering wheel. Nice death machine you have there. How many people are in there with you? None? Really? What the fuck are you driving that thing for? You don't even know how to control it. You can't see a car right next to you. You are a danger to yourself and everyone on the road. Why are you driving that outrageous monstrosity? You look like a tiny white termite in a gorilla's nostril. Now you must know what your own tiny brain feels like rattling around inside your head. What are you, hauling construction beams in that thing? What do you need it for? Wait, I know. It's to feed your idiot greed and lust for stupid expensive sh*t. Well, we're all very impressed here on the 101 Freeway. Oh, I can't see you in my rearview mirror anymore. You're a little speck back there. Gosh, you drive so slowly when traffic is moving, I wonder why you were in such a hurry when the traffic was stopped? Maybe you're on the phone now and can't be bothered to step on the gas. If only the people behind you could see the 50 feet of empty road in front of you. I bet they'd like to be driving on it. Well, this has been fun. I'll leave you behind for now. See you tomorrow!

The Baby Bulldozer

As my girlfriend and I squeezed past 250 of Hollywood's Slowest People this weekend at the Grove, I remarked, "SUV's aren't enough anymore. Now they have to have SUV's for their babies."

It's horrifyingly true. No longer limited to the look-at-my-big-rock newly married sandal-wearing white yuppie couple, the giant navy blue Baby Shopping Cart phenomenon now crosses racial and economic borders. Armenians, Persians, Hispanics, Asians, Blacks, all of them with baby carriers wider than the escalator and taller than their oldest child.

Clogging up the paths of shoppers everywhere, these plastic monstrosities often contain piles of shopping bags, purses, grocery bags, extra sandals, sunscreen, diapers, and no baby whatsoever.

The Baby Bulldozer is a total nuisance. There's no way around it, over it, or through it, and the oncoming parent inevitably steers it directly toward your feet.

Fuck that shit.
I told my girlfriend if I have a baby I'm carrying it in a backpack.
I'll stay the fuck out of everybody's way if they stay out of mine.

You. With the overflowing pillow-top hooded navy blue segway-wheeled double-decker 4-foot-wide plastic Baby Escalade. Why don't you just carry your baby in your huge giant purse instead of putting purse and baby inside that obese excuse for a stroller? Or why don't you just stay home?

your website....

is HILARIOUS!!! absolutely love it, absolutely can't stand all of these commercials!! can i put a link to your site on mine? mine is just a website showing my art... but i do have a links page with some random things i like on there. it is www.denisekoleda.com. keep up the good work and i definitely plan on posting on the blog sometime soon!! (the one thing i can't stand right now is the hot twenty-something wife/ balding fat guy husband couple epidemic on tv.... ugh!

denise koleda

Bad commercials

Nathan:
I haven't hit the website for a while so forgive me if these are old news but there are currently two more commercials on the air that really make me want to run out screaming in the night.

1) Charmin Bathroom Tissue: This is one where an older bear is lecturing, in song no less, a younger bear about not using too much toilet tissue. As bad and corny as that is, it proceeds to show the younger bear hunker down and lean against a tree, tissue in hand, apparently to take a dump. Answers the old question though.

2) Cinamon Toast Crunch Cereal: Husband and wife at breakfast table. He is doing a (bad) Barry White imitation, extoling the virtues of the cereal. It goes on and on. Shows the wife eating. Eventually we get to hear my favorite anachronism . . . the record needle scratch, whereupon the wife tells the husband to "Zip It". Rude, stupid, tasteless and IRRITATING.

Dishonorable mention.
Tampax Pearl Tampons: Girl uses tampon to plug hole in bottom of leaky canoe. AARRRrrrGGGHhhhhh. Makes it even worse if you think of the "little boat" analogy. . . They couldn't have done that intentionally, could they? Naaaaaa

I'd say, keep on plugging, but somewhow that now seems kind of crude.

so,
Best Regards,
Randy Kimball
Sandy, Utah

Commercials I hate

I hate the Intel Centrino commercials that feature the Blue Man Group..... beyond stupid.

Steve Lewis

Jeep Painting Class

Hi Nathan--

I came across your website while doing research for an ad critique I happen to be doing about a commercial you happened to write about -- the Jeep Painting Class. My critique of the commercial is very similar to yours, so it was nice to know I wasn't the only one annoyed with it. However, in writing the critique, I need to provide a quite detailed description of the ad. As luck would have it, as soon as I actually want to watch the commercial in more detail, I cannot find it anywhere. Since you have pictures of the ad posted on your site, I was wondering if you have access to the ad or maybe if you know where I could find it.

Thanks
Melissa

ad story that pissed me off...

I found your website-laughed my ass off. Her is a sample of
my hatred towards the corporate world of ads:

I bought a Powerade drink one day and it happened that they
were runnig a contest to win prizes and cash. I opened it
and the lid said something like: You Have Won!-go to
powerade.com -enter the prize number below and claim your
prize! I go to the site and go thru 6-7 pages of disclaimers
& crap asking for personal info like address, email, phone,
etc-takes about ten minutes as thier site was running slow
and when I finally get to my prize-what did I WIN?


A FUCKING POWERADE SCREEN SAVER!

Another fucking scam to add all your personal info to
millions of useless mailing lists.

I have vowed to die of thirst before buying a powerade drink
again.

Keep up the site
Thanks
Ron

hillarious!

I stumbled upon your website, and I’ve been reading it for the past 40 minutes (boss is out of town). It’s ridiculously funny! I was surprised though, not to find the semi new McDonalds “I’m loving it” commercials. Awful! Keep up the amazing work!

Melissa Schwartz